Yesterday was a terrible day for me.
A big chunk of my life is over and it is only part of my memory. The other part, the other memories are gone with someone I loved one day.
Yesterday I lost a friend. Someone I shared the same taste in music, movies, terrible jokes, old Monty Python videos, good and bad moments of my life with. I lost someone who once treated me like a princess and who took such good care of me. I remember feeling as if nothing else could happen to me when I was in his arms.
Even after we broke up, we decided we would still be friends. And that is what happened. I can't remember a single day since that September when I decided we were not going to be together anymore that you're not in one of my memories. You were my accomplice: I used to tell you all about my life, the guys I was going out with, you used to talk to me about your new family, your baby boy (I had never felt so much love coming from you), you used to show me your songs - the new ones and ask me if the lyrics were not cheesy or corny.
I finally made one of our dreams come true: I went to Canada - the place we were planning to move together to as a couple back in the day. You were there, every single day - supporting me, asking me if I could show you all the pictures so you could be happy for me as well. You were a great friend after all.
We went through terrible times, horrible fights, but I will never - EVER - forget that you were my one true love. The only one who made me shiver and gave me butterflies from day one to the last day I talked to you online before that terrible accident. We had this thing that most people look for in life: we connected instantly and we could feel and the other one was not feeling well - almost a mind-reading kinda thing.
I know that for many times you wished this happened to you. I remember having your head on my knees in bed, in certain moments when you were crying like a baby telling me you couldn't understand what you were doing in this world.
Well, at least I now know that you could rest. Your mind found the peace it has been looking for in a long time.
Yesterday I went to your funeral. I couldn't come upstairs at first. I guess I had never felt so much pain. My heart was in pieces and I couldn't put them together. Some of our friends tried to comfort me and made me go upstairs. I couldn't look at you. I couldn't come closer. That was not the image I wanted to have.
I couldn't understand how come people were still around you like that. Talking about random stuff when that was actually the last time they were going to see you. I stayed that for almost 2 hours - sitting on a chair in the back of that room. I may have tried to look at you more than twice. I was trying to recognize my friend, my one love in that place. I couldn't. And then there was that one moment I knew it was you - I could recognize your hands from a distance. The ones that used to play the guitar for me. And it was at that moment that I realized I would never see you again. That was my goodbye and I wanted to leave that place.
I left your funeral with some of our friends. I was smiling at them, but I didn't want to. I wanted to cry till my tears put me to sleep. I didn't eat anything yesterday. Our friends made me do it. I just don't feel like having fun or smiling. I'm sad and I still can't believe you left us like that.
I hope you are okay. I hope God receives you in all His grace and that you can finally realize your life had a purpose after all and that God exists.
I'll always think of you as someone who changed me somehow, as a great friend, as my first bearded guy... as the one who loved me as no one else has ever done.
Rest in peace, Lawrence.